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Published On: Mon, Jun 2nd, 2003

Scary comics that were not meant to be

THE SLUSH PILE

      They’re scary but not meant to be…

Instead of extensive reviews, let me just point out a couple of disturbing moments in comics. Hopefully it’ll keep the therapist away.

SensationalSheHulk34WhoWasThatThe Sensational She-Hulk #34: Another pregnant Demi Moore, Vanity Fair parody (see also the Leslie Nielson cover) — to quote the cover: “It’s not fair to accuse me of vanity! I just thrive on controversy!” Oh come on! This was Marvel’s gratuitous attempt to add sex appeal. Two giant green boobs is much scarier than a foil di-cut Silver Surfer cover. (See the Vanity Fair cover before)

Avengers #239: The guest appearance of David Letterman – even the gap in his teeth. I just want a “Top 10 List” of reasons why Wonder Man is a celebrity in the Marvel universe. Dave even smashes the tubby supervillain over the head then delivers that frightful grin.

Plasm #1 to whatever: Everything Plasm is scary and should have been called phlegm. What was Jim Shooter thinking? Save the ecosystem and let the humans die – how is this an appealing plot? I don’t think you’ll see any publishers building their comic book line around green ooze. Oh yeah, Eastman and Laird – “Heroes in a Halfshell”. Now that’s scary.

Dinosaurs for Hire: Malibu put oozies in the hands — I mean claws, of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Does it bother anyone else seeing a Triceratops wearing a saddle? How about a chain-smoking Brontosaurus in a hot air balloon? I prefer the comforts of “The Land of the Lost” – this is just painful. Do you think Spielberg has ever read DFH? Might explain a lot.

Transformers (especially the later issues of the original series): They were great toys, but what a mess in comics. Who’s talking the robot? The car? The plane that was the robot two panels ago? Aw crap – forget it.

Savage Dragon #35: With Hellboy guest starring, the Dragon defeats a band of skeletal pirates after being swallowed by a giant monster. Scary? No, but then they find their escape via the creature’s ass crack. The dragon snipes: “Man, I hope nobody’s got a camera handy”. All I have to say is “crevice” – deep therapeutic scars.

Preacher: An amazing but jarring series with moments of gratuitous gore and laughable disturbing moments. The scars run deep thinking about Preacher #39 in which hillbilly cannibals “take” Starr’s leg, and he then has to wipe the young cannibal’s ass to get a gun. Starr takes them down as they close in, but they land on him – “S**t!” he says trapped under the pile of Jethros. With only one leg, he hops away through the desert. Whoa. This is Andy Lalino-bobbing-for-testicles creepy.

Demi Moore started the trend of celebs showing off their pregnant bellies with this famous Vogue cover photo

Demi Moore started the trend of celebs showing off their pregnant bellies with this famous Vogue cover photo

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About the Author

- Writer and Co-Founder of The Global Dispatch, Brandon has been covering news, offering commentary for years, beginning professionally in 2003 on Crazed Fanboy before expanding into other blogs and sites. Appearing on several radio shows, Brandon has hosted Dispatch Radio, written his first novel (The Rise of the Templar) and completed the three years Global University program in Ministerial Studies to be a pastor. To Contact Brandon email [email protected] ATTN: BRANDON

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  1. Comic Book Review: Heavy Liquid, The Sandman #21-28, Amazing Spider-Man 300 - The Global Dispatch says:

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