Published On: Thu, Feb 9th, 2017

FAKE NEWS: Yahoo, sources publish satire of Betsy DeVos ordering ‘globe flattening’ as news

Fake News strikes again as a satire piece from The Political Garbage Chute, states that the news Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos issued an order that all globes being used in any American school are to be “flattened like God made it just 6,000 years ago.”

A source tells the Global Dispatch that CNN ran the report, but that article could not be found. Yahoo and Yahoo finance were the two biggest publishers still promoting the gag as news.

Yahoo still has their story up:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Upon hearing of her extremely narrow Senate confirmation, newly confirmed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos issued an order that all globes being used in any American school are to be “flattened like God made it just 6,000 years ago.” DeVos was confirmed in the Senate 51-50, with the deciding vote being cast by Vice President, and 2015 winner of the “Lantern Jawed Bigot of the Year Award” from Christofascists Weekly, Mike Pence. When Pence broke the tie, it was the first time since 2008 that a Senate vote had to be broken in such a way. Perhaps most notably, this was the first time in our nation’s 240 year history that a cabinet member had to be confirmed in such a way. “Sure,

Viet Reader in Canada promoted it a VERY POPULAR POST: http://www.vietreader.com/trend/canada/65630-betsy-devos-orders-immediate-flattening-of-all-school-globes.html
It made a news source in Nigeria: http://nigeria.shafaqna.com/EN/NG/4168384
  • Celebrities Global: http://english.celebrities-global.com/news/25821.html
  • Matter Concern: https://matterconcern.com/2017/02/09/betsy-devos-orders-immediate-flattening-of-all-school-globes/
  • sNewsi: http://snewsi.com/id/17148571434/Betsy-DeVos-Orders-Immediate-Flattening-Of-All-School-Globes
  • Breaking Latest News DDNS: http://breakinglatestnews.ddns.net/news/betsy-devos-orders-immediate-flattening-of-all-school-globes

James Schlarmann published the piece on Huffington Post, but many may not have caught his bio since it shows up in Google News.
Schlarmann is a “Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.”

More on the satire:

“Sure, I was literally dragged across the finish line by Vice President pence,” DeVos said in an email to the DOE staffers directing the globe flattening edict, “but elections have consequences. Apparently so does giving hundreds of millions of dollars to campaigns.”

Ms. DeVos’ order says she plans on putting the “pro back in quid pro quo.”

“I’m going to make sure I leverage this opportunity the right way, like a professional grifter should,” DeVos’ email says, “and that means I’ll be putting the pro back in quid pro quo, that’s for darn sure.”

Flattening globes in classrooms all across the country will help in “a myriad of ways,” DeVos said.

“Jobs will be created, firstly,” DeVos said, “when we hire the flattening teams. Also, our children will be finally seeing the world how our one, true, American Christian God — all rights reserved, trademark Trump Presidency, Inc. — meant it to be when he created it all, literally every single, living and non-living thing, in six days.”

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About the Author

- Writer and Co-Founder of The Global Dispatch, Brandon has been covering news, offering commentary for years, beginning professionally in 2003 on Crazed Fanboy before expanding into other blogs and sites. Appearing on several radio shows, Brandon has hosted Dispatch Radio, written his first novel (The Rise of the Templar) and completed the three years Global University program in Ministerial Studies to be a pastor. To Contact Brandon email [email protected] ATTN: BRANDON

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