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Published On: Wed, Jun 7th, 2017

Bill Maher Quotes

Which brings me to the one succinct phrase that could keep the Democrats in power in 2012: “We’ll legalize pot.” – October 22, 2010 Huffington Post column titled “New Rule: Christine O’Donnell Has to Stop Saying “I’m You” in Her Campaign Ads”

Things like gay marriage and prayer in school and other bulls**t that Republicans used for years to get hillbillies to the polls? That’s how Bush got elected in 2004 — Karl Rove put gay marriage on the ballot in eleven key states, knowing that all the Christian shit-kickers would come out against boys kissing and stick around to pull the lever for Bungles the Clown. – October 22, 2010 Huffington Post column titled “New Rule: Christine O’Donnell Has to Stop Saying “I’m You” in Her Campaign Ads”

When I hear Christine O’Donnell say “I’m you” I take it personally, because I think back to how our love-making was so raw and powerful it was hard to know where my body ended and hers began, but if I were you, I’d really want her to stop saying she was you. Eighty-six percent of Tea-baggers think climate change is a hoax — that’s not you! Tea Partiers want to repeal the health care law, but two thirds of AMERICANS either like it or want it to go further. Fifty-nine percent of AMERICANS support gay marriage and civil unions. The Tea Partiers support traditional gender roles, where men are in charge, like Glenn Beck, and women are soft and emotionally fragile, with spooky mood swings, like Glenn Beck. Six in ten Americans think illegal Mexicans should have a path to citizenship and be allowed to stay here. And the other four in ten are illegal Mexicans. – October 22, 2010 Huffington Post column titled “New Rule: Christine O’Donnell Has to Stop Saying “I’m You” in Her Campaign Ads”


photo/ donkeyhotey

photo/ donkeyhotey

People turn to religion because they fear death. We think life can’t exist without us. You have to get over that fear. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com

We’ve lost a lot of intelligence, period. People don’t think, so it doesn’t show up in their dialogue. Look at the news we see on TV. What I see on CNN or MSNBC at noon makes we want to cringe. If I turned the dial to Maury or a soap opera, I’d get more substance. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com

Politics is fascinating because it is the maneuvering of human beings. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com

The break-out character in any sit-com is always the stupid one. Sarah Palin fills that role. She’s a small-time grifter that went national. You can’t describe Sarah Palin and not sound condescending. Mitt Romney is a close second. There isn’t a single issue that he hasn’t completely reversed himself on. He’s a department store mannequin that will be running for national office. Somewhere along the line the conservative movement crossed the line into the mental hospital. Today, to get into the Republican party, you have to be a crazy. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com

Obama still doesn’t get it — you can’t win this with a kiss. He wants this bi-partisanship that is never going to happen. It’s the job of party A to block the agenda of party B. Obama is reaching out to the crazies and he’s losing the base that elected him. The Right Wing is genius at demonizing what they want to demonize. The Democrats have not mastered this art. The Republicans are good at getting behind their guy, no matter who that person is. That’s something the Democrats aren’t very good at — closing ranks. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com


I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, this [BP oil spill] is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt where you can see the gun in his pants. That’s — (in black man voice) we’ve got a ‘motherfu**ing problem here?’ Shoot somebody in the foot. – May 29, 2010 “Real Time” monologue (see video below)

Here’s another guy, like Rand Paul, who was against the 1964 Civil Rights Act. He was for literacy tests, he was for a poll tax….Can we look back and just say Robert Bork was a racist who shouldn’t have been on the court? – Maher on HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher” May 21, 2010

March 26, 2010 Maher says to tell the Republicans to “Go F*** themselves” as Obama “drags the ignorant hillbilly half into this century.”

Here’s a word President Obama should take out of his Teleprompter: Bipartisanship. People only care about that in theory, not in practice. The best thing that happened this year is when Obama finally realized that and said: “Kiss my black ass, we’re going it alone George W. Bush style.” [applause]

Now, two months ago, conservative Fred Barnes wrote, “the health care bill is dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection.” Well, if it’s dead, you just got your ass kicked by a zombie named Nancy Pelosi. Seriously, the last time a Democrat showed balls like that John Edwards’ girlfriend was filming it.

And yet, even before the Democrats got to take a single victory lap, they were being warned not to get drunk with power. I disagree. All you Democrats do a shot and then do another. Get drunk on this feeling of not backing down and doing what you came to Washington to do. [applause]

Do not listen to the people who are now saying that nothing else big should be attempted for a while because health care was so rough. Wrong. Because I learned something watching the lying bullies of the right lose this one. When they’re losing, they squeal like a pig. They kept saying things like, the bill was being “shoved down our throats.” Or the Democrats were “ramming it through.” The bill was so big they “couldn’t take it all at once.” [laughter]

And you know what? I realized listening to this rhetoric that it reminded me of something. It reminded me of Tiger Woods’ text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said, and I quote: “I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I f*** that ass that I own. Then I’m going to tell you to shut the f*** up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise.” Unquote. [laughter]

And this, I believe, perfectly represents the attitude the Democrats should now have in their dealings with the Republican Party. [applause]

Yes, it does. That’s what they should be saying to the Republicans: “Shut the f*** up while I slap your face for making noise! Now pass the cap-and-trade law, you stupid b*tch, and repeat after me, ‘global warming is real.’” [applause]

The Democrats need to push the rest of their agenda while their boot is on the neck of the greedy, poisonous old reptile. Who cares if cap-and-trade bill isn’t popular, neither was health care. Your poll numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles.

So don’t stop. We need to regulate the banks, we need to overhaul immigration, we need to end corporate welfare including at the Pentagon, we need to bring troops home from everywhere, we need to end the drug war, and we need to put terrorists and other human rights violators on trial in civilian courts — starting with Dick Cheney. [applause]

Democrats, in conclusion, Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: Drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th. And by passing health care, the Democrats saved their brand.

A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them: “How’s that ‘hopey-changey’ thing working for you?” Great, actually, thanks for asking. And how’s that whole ‘Hooked on Phonics’ thing working out for you? [laughter]


Drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th. – March 26, 2009

It reminded me of Tiger Woods’ text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said, and I quote: “I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I f*** that ass that I own. Then I’m going to tell you to shut the f*** up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise. – March 26, 2009
That’s what they should be saying to the Republicans: “Shut the f*** up while I slap your face for making noise! Now pass the cap-and-trade law, you stupid b*tch, and repeat after me, ‘global warming is real.’ – March 26, 2009

What the Democrats never understand is that Americans don’t really care what position you take. Just stick with one. Just be strong. They are not bright enough to really understand the issues, but like an animal they can sort of sense strength. – Bill Maher, CNN Larry King Live February 18, 2010

 

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