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Published On: Sun, Nov 14th, 2010

Jay Leno Quotes

Jay Leno in July 2008 photo/Lee Stranahan

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.

It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word ‘potato,’ thus paving the way for Sarah Palin. – June 2011

Prince William and Kate Middleton are now planning their honeymoon. They say they want to go somewhere where they can have complete privacy and be assured that no one in the country would give away their location. So I think they’re going to Pakistan. – May 2011

Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals. – May 2011

The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It’s a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head. – May 2011

Obama’s even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, ‘Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?’ – May 2011


…. Obama was in India the other day visiting our jobs and than he went to China to visit our money.

President Obama is no stranger to help from Hollywood stars and now turns for more help to promote Obamacare
Official White House Photo by Pete Souza

Thanks for all of the material. – to former President George W. Bush on the “Tonight Show” November 19, 2010

President Obama and Jay Leno trade jokes at the 2010 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in Washington, D.C

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good ‘ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president. – 2001

President Bush is up there (in Canada) with 34 other world leaders, but he is going home early because he was voted the weakest link. Goodbye. – 2001

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About the Author

- Stories transferred over from The Desk of Brian where the original author was not determined and the content is still of interest of Dispatch readers.

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